Saturday, November 29, 2014

A series of changes

It's closing to the end on 2014. It's been an interesting year and it feels like it's nearing the end so fast. Maybe because I have spent most of the year waiting: waiting for my partner to visit, waiting for my turn to visit, waiting for my visa approval, waiting for my savings to increase a bit more so I could afford plane tickets, waiting for cheap plane tickets, and so on.

In the middle of all of those waitings, I worked and worked and worked. Sometimes I hung out or did sport, but most of the times I worked. It didn't even feel like I had any time off since March. Only after I resettled myself in our flat that I could think of the time when I'm "not working." It was a little bit strange when I realised that I could actually stop working.

We have made plans. And plans have been cancelled and changed due to various reasons. We thought things were secured. Yet things were changing constantly because of so many unexpected factors. Sometimes it feels like living on a tiny island somewhere in the tropics where you can get a massive storm in the middle of the dry season...just because.

We learn and adapt. Sometimes it's so easy that I can happily pat myself on the shoulder for putting up so well. Sometimes it's so hard that I would find consolation by obsessively cleaning the kitchen--longing that sense of order and predictability. Baking and cooking become a set of little achievements, like playing Mario Cart. You get different trophies for completing different challenges. A golden spatula for baking a nice carrot cake with delicious frosting. A silver knife for cooking amazing red-braised pork. And so on. You learn to appreciate little things that you do well because everything else kinda sucks.

Maybe next year I will learn: how to appreciate constant changes in life and the ability to adapt to new things fast.

Monday, November 17, 2014

Dream journal--04

Didn't realise I haven't written for a while. I have been back in Utrecht for almost 2 months now and everyday life just sort of take most of my time. And I'm starting to find cooking and baking as another challenge to tackle, like learning Dutch. I still, however, have bad dreams. Not every night, but quite a lot that they make me feel tired most mornings.

I woke up this morning after a long exhausting dream. I only remember the last bit of the dream.

The dream:

I was with my family having lunch. We were in a restaurant at a hotel somewhere hot and bright. We were just talking and I saw there's a group of kids playing in the pool. I thought they were just playing, but then I noticed one of them had a kitten in his hand. He was dunking the kitten into the water and actually trying to get it drowned in the pool. It was a shallow pool, but still terrifyingly large and deep for a tiny kitten.

I could feel my heart stopped for a second when I saw the wet kitten, making distress noises, and I did what I would in real life: I lunged into the water and grabbed the kitten. It was under the water but I quickly grabbed it and took it out of the water. It was breathing fine and was meowing still, maybe afraid or something. I tried to give instant warmth by putting it under my shirt (which was wet, so that was dumb, but whatever). The kids started yelling at me. The boy, who was trying to drown the kitten, shouted, "That's my kitten! You can't take it from me!" in a-spoilt-little-shit kind of way of yelling. I said, "Animals are not for playing like that. If you can't take care of them, might as well stay away from them."

Surprisingly, I wasn't angry with the kids, just worried about the kitten. So I took it back to the table, my family didn't say anything. Actually, before I ran to the pool, I vaguely heard my mum saying, "Be nice to the kids, okay." That's just like so my mum. Anyway, I took the kitten and tried to dry it and it was purring so I thought it was going to be fine. Then, the parents came. One parent apologised and thought the incident was unacceptable and he would tell his kid that, but another parent started shouting at me. He basically told me to mind my own fucking business and if I liked kittens that much (that I had to steal the kids' kitten) I should just get one. He ended his rant by shouting more abuses at me. So, of course I shouted back at him and told him I hope his daughter drowned and no one helped her. Not very nice, I know.

And then I woke up.