People, precisely because they're people with their imperfections, will get you (me) down at certain points in life. And since we live in an imperfect society with a million different social and historical baggage, it's hardly surprising how people can easily make you (me) feel bad about your (my) own life.
The point is: words can hurt if you let them. Also, don't forget that your biggest critic is probably yourself.
Saturday, September 30, 2017
Sunday, April 16, 2017
Post annoying social event
I'm increasingly aware that the older I get, the more socially awkward I am. I don't like crowds (anymore); I don't like going to social gathering of not-so-close people (anymore); I dislike people (even more) except for a handful that I call friends and vice versa; I get super anxious when I feel I have done something socially unacceptable.
I remember when I was in my early 20s, I loved going out and hanging out with random people; strangers even. I didn't have any huge social anxiety or anything like that. I was confident and very very social. And now a decade later, I just don't have the appetite to socialise anymore. Not only now I don't live in my native country, I also don't really speak the local language. A lot of "expats" here moan about social exclusion; they don't have friends, they don't speak the language, etc. that limits their social life. I moan about how I probably need to learn to socially integrate and *gasp* have a social life. I'm not saying that I actively stop myself from making new friends; on the contrary, I have a few (new-ish) friends here in this strange country and I like them and I don't feel I need more. Is that wrong?
This state of being annoyed by stuff that I can't really define is probably because I'm unconsciously trying to do what is socially acceptable, instead of trying to do what makes me comfortable. If I don't want to go to a party, then I can and who cares what whoever thinks. And this should be a conscious decision, instead of driven by a fear of social backlash. I think my Indonesian-ness is heavily ingrained that I oftentimes just completely forget that it's there and has become my mode of operating. I need to learn that it is okay to say no, sorry, I rather stay home, than dragging myself to a thing that eventually will just make me feel miserable just because that's the acceptable thing to do.
TL;DR I like animals better. They don't make me feel awkward. Ever.
I remember when I was in my early 20s, I loved going out and hanging out with random people; strangers even. I didn't have any huge social anxiety or anything like that. I was confident and very very social. And now a decade later, I just don't have the appetite to socialise anymore. Not only now I don't live in my native country, I also don't really speak the local language. A lot of "expats" here moan about social exclusion; they don't have friends, they don't speak the language, etc. that limits their social life. I moan about how I probably need to learn to socially integrate and *gasp* have a social life. I'm not saying that I actively stop myself from making new friends; on the contrary, I have a few (new-ish) friends here in this strange country and I like them and I don't feel I need more. Is that wrong?
This state of being annoyed by stuff that I can't really define is probably because I'm unconsciously trying to do what is socially acceptable, instead of trying to do what makes me comfortable. If I don't want to go to a party, then I can and who cares what whoever thinks. And this should be a conscious decision, instead of driven by a fear of social backlash. I think my Indonesian-ness is heavily ingrained that I oftentimes just completely forget that it's there and has become my mode of operating. I need to learn that it is okay to say no, sorry, I rather stay home, than dragging myself to a thing that eventually will just make me feel miserable just because that's the acceptable thing to do.
TL;DR I like animals better. They don't make me feel awkward. Ever.
Thursday, April 7, 2016
About what is "lucky" and what is "hard effort"
I've migrated to the Netherlands in December 2015. So it's only been 5 months since then. In those 5 months, a lot of things happened. One of them was the start of the permit application, which involved us hiring a lawyer to sort things out. It cost money, time and just a lot of effort. Not to mention the other things that we had done (and paid) before we found out that we should get a lawyer to deal with the immigration instead of doing it ourselves. Long story short: it has been complicated and expensive. Oh, did I mention "long"? The process is still on-going and I still haven't got any permit to live here permanently.
And then I got told by someone that I am lucky to be able to live here. At that time I was too flabbergasted to give a quick smart retort to that statement, but the next day I thought about it and it really pissed me off. So far, there's no "luck" involved in our effort in getting me migrated and settled here permanently. It's all hard effort and a lot of money (that also came from hard effort). We didn't get chosen by the Dutch government and given a free living permit. That would be "lucky". No, we have to go through all the bullshit like everyone else who wants to migrate to this country. We're fortunate because I didn't come from a war-torn country or that I had to migrate because some people wanted to kill me. I am lucky in that sense.
A lot of people (in some countries, not gonna point finger) are saying "we only accept legal immigrants!" "refuse them if they enter illegally!" and so on, without really understanding how it is still bloody difficult to get in legally. It's never a straight forward process in ANY country. Especially if you're coming from a developing country and trying to get into a developed country. Some people even asked me, "Doesn't the Dutch government give special conditions for Indonesians to migrate here because... well, you know, what the Dutch did to your country back then?" which is an understandable question. Like, yeah, why don't they give special conditions for Indonesians, considering they had killed and pillaged and enslaved many people in the Nusantara back then? Well, sadly, the answer is no, the Dutch government doesn't give any special treatment just because I'm an Indonesian. Everyone needs to go through the same procedure.
And that's fine, because that's just the way things are. But don't tell me that I should feel lucky.
And then I thought, how terrible it is for refugees who struggled so much to stay alive to come to a country and got told they should feel lucky and therefore they should not be asking too much, for goodness sake! Screw that. I agree that any country should have a solid plan when they're taking refugees in and not just do it only for the sake of doing it because we're talking about the welfare of everyone, both the host country's citizen and refugees. That requires a lot of planning and also the cooperation of the community. I'm not suggesting that every country should just open their doors and let people in without any real plan on how to make that work in the long term. But that's why you have a government, no? To think about this kind of thing.
I think the Dutch government, when it comes to refugees, is dealing with the issue a bit better than its neighbouring countries. Although, we need to wait a bit longer to see the real results.
It's not easy to uproot yourself, and therefore, no one should take that for granted.
And then I got told by someone that I am lucky to be able to live here. At that time I was too flabbergasted to give a quick smart retort to that statement, but the next day I thought about it and it really pissed me off. So far, there's no "luck" involved in our effort in getting me migrated and settled here permanently. It's all hard effort and a lot of money (that also came from hard effort). We didn't get chosen by the Dutch government and given a free living permit. That would be "lucky". No, we have to go through all the bullshit like everyone else who wants to migrate to this country. We're fortunate because I didn't come from a war-torn country or that I had to migrate because some people wanted to kill me. I am lucky in that sense.
A lot of people (in some countries, not gonna point finger) are saying "we only accept legal immigrants!" "refuse them if they enter illegally!" and so on, without really understanding how it is still bloody difficult to get in legally. It's never a straight forward process in ANY country. Especially if you're coming from a developing country and trying to get into a developed country. Some people even asked me, "Doesn't the Dutch government give special conditions for Indonesians to migrate here because... well, you know, what the Dutch did to your country back then?" which is an understandable question. Like, yeah, why don't they give special conditions for Indonesians, considering they had killed and pillaged and enslaved many people in the Nusantara back then? Well, sadly, the answer is no, the Dutch government doesn't give any special treatment just because I'm an Indonesian. Everyone needs to go through the same procedure.
And that's fine, because that's just the way things are. But don't tell me that I should feel lucky.
And then I thought, how terrible it is for refugees who struggled so much to stay alive to come to a country and got told they should feel lucky and therefore they should not be asking too much, for goodness sake! Screw that. I agree that any country should have a solid plan when they're taking refugees in and not just do it only for the sake of doing it because we're talking about the welfare of everyone, both the host country's citizen and refugees. That requires a lot of planning and also the cooperation of the community. I'm not suggesting that every country should just open their doors and let people in without any real plan on how to make that work in the long term. But that's why you have a government, no? To think about this kind of thing.
I think the Dutch government, when it comes to refugees, is dealing with the issue a bit better than its neighbouring countries. Although, we need to wait a bit longer to see the real results.
It's not easy to uproot yourself, and therefore, no one should take that for granted.
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