"They [women] believe that inside every heartless bastard is a small boy yearning to be loved. But their theory falls short because what they don't understand is that there are certain types of heartless bastard who if hacked in two would only be found to contain yet more heartless bastard." -Mike Gayle-

I think to become a true bastard, you have to be heartless. You cannot share feelings, pride, guilt, or whatever that will identify you as a person with a heart (no matter how rotten it is). If you think that feelings, especially guilt, will haunt you for the rest of your life, forget it. Go back to the righteous way and become a decent proper guy. It's not bad, both heartless bastard and decent proper guy. As long as you know where to position yourself in the society.

I, once, was faced by massive guilt. It was too massive, I pitied the person. Luckily, I was not the one who experienced it. And that pity slowly turned into disgust, somehow, because I thought that guilt shouldn't be dramatised. Especially, as my friend would have said it, after you have been warned.

I can be a cold heartless bitch from time to time. It requires so much anger and hate to turn me into one. Normally, I react from a victim role, either victimised by the universe or someone. When rage controls me, I just turned into this nasty nasty you-don't-want-to-see-me-ever person. It takes skill though to drive me to the dark side.

My point is don't be something or someone that you don't like. Because you will see your reflection on the mirror sooner or later. If later, you don't like what you see, that's not the mirror bearer's fault. That's your fault for failing to recognise yourself well.

Moving on

I was half wishing that by the time I posted anything on this blog, my latest dumped-by-BF-on-birthday crisis had ceased and passed away. Unfortunately, and without any significant surprise on my side, it's still there.

I will not probably name it a "crisis" anymore. I'm feeling less depressed than before. I managed to find out what is wrong with my head (cause I honestly thought I was in a process of going mental, like proper sick in the head). I succeeded ignoring everyone at the office, thus making myself less annoyed. In general, I can say that I'm doing better.

BUT, I also know that I cannot lie and say everything is sparkling good. Have you ever been in that situation when mother nature is just taking the piss at you now? It's like the whole universe conspiring to push your buttons, and you are left there wanting to scream your lungs out: WHHHHHYYYYYYYY??!! You know?

It's funny that in this specific moment, I can always point out what's wrong with me but not with other people. Everybody else seems perfect, have perfect life with perfect house and perfect spouse, not to mention the perfect newly-born-baby. While, I'm the perfect sore loser who recently just got dumped and went into severe burn-out stress with dead-end job. See? It's so easy to make myself feel or look like a sorry-ass-cow.

BUT (again), everybody keeps on telling me that blaming myself at this point will prove useless. First, it's not really my fault. So, I might be crazy... a bit, but that doesn't mean my craziness was the only cause of the fail relationship. Second, it takes two to tango, said my sister. And sure that sounds right. I can't continue blaming myself for everything. Even though, victimising yourself can be so entertaining (in an obscene-depressive-horrid way). My beloved ex contributed the shit that I (we) had to go through.

They are baby steps; I have only made baby steps. Perhaps, baby midget steps... not that it makes significant difference. Point is, I don't want to put this issue as a central issue anymore. It's bloody frustrating. It exhausts me. It makes me feel that every dude in the world is just a different form of punching bags. Or a sack of potatoes.

Let's put some mantras: getoveritgetoveritgetoveritlupalupalupalupalupalukalukalukalupalupalupa

Amen.

Post-breakup

If anyone tells you that experiences teach you to hurt less, tell that person to fuck him/herself in the ass and jump from a 30-story-building. No, I'm not serious... about the 30-store-building, that is. You can choose your personal height.

Anyways, talking about getting hurt by another party, a.k.a (ex) boyfriend. Yes, my ducklings, the evil ex-boyfriends are there, ready to hurt you in every possible way that you cannot imagine. You thought you have learned enough in the past; you thought you have endured every horrid moment and heard all the nasty statements. Well, NOT.

I will not refuse to admit that, yes, past experiences do teach things, which kind of help me to move on. But these experiences, of course, DO NOT reduce the pain. Considering that I was facing a different person, thus encountering different ways of afflicting pain towards one another. Everyone that I talked to said the same thing. It's the gap; that huge deep bloody hole where your heart used to lay blissfully.

You are promised friendship afterwards, which is eventually adding insult to the injury. What's the point of being a friend if you are still oriented to the fact that you used to date your friend? Just give it a rest. Move on from the fact that there was used to be a relationship. We all want to forget it, because personally the relationship becomes meaningless when I know that the ending came easily and any efforts to fix anything was ignored.

Men are just... bunch of weird and nasty creatures that sometimes come to their senses, for a very brief moment. I still like them, but for God's sake, evolution should have not stopped.

So, if you're experiencing pain, make sure you: 1) have enough willing friends to just be there for you, 2) find a way to end your depression (if you're experiencing any), 3) pray that the universe will act fair and just, and that dickhead will get what he deserves sooner or later.