Long-distance relationship has its own perks. It's space. The infinite amount of space, regardless how far or close you are geographically. It doesn't matter whether you're 14,000 miles or just 3 hours-drive away, you will still have that amazing space between you and your partner. Of course, as with almost anything and everything in life, it might act as a double-edged sword. It might hurt or help you.
In the case of helping the relationship, with long-distance relationship you don't need to have a mental space, which I personally think is harder to conjure than just acknowledging the physical space. When you are in close proximity with you partner, you don't get to run away when you need some space. You have to create the mental space in your head and that, I found, requires a massive effort. Especially if said partner is in the same room, breathing too loudly or something like that.
Space and distance can also help one to focus on what actually matters, instead of the emotional side of things. When you're too close to the subject that is pissing you off or driving you mental, you can't (easily) think, okay I want to scream at this person now but I won't because it's not productive or nice. It will take a longer time for you to calm down and start processing things more objectively. When you have the distance and the space with it, you can just turn off your computer (or phone) assuming you're up-to-date with the latest technology and not relying on letters (can't even remember the last time I wrote an actual letter to someone), and then get the contemplation going. Or, alternatively, you can just go out and see your friends and have a laugh, feel better and go back home, with a full realisation that you won't even have to see the subject of your annoyance at least until a couple of days.
Relationship is tricky. Talking about cliches and boring statements. It's like trying to have a domestic scale of an UN assembly, constantly trying to work together despite the differences. In my case, it's even more similar because I don't share historical or cultural background with my partner. We're from a completely different culture and family. It is cultural shock, but it is also relationship shock--transitioning from long-distance to no-distance.
I might sound a bit ungrateful now considering a lot of couples in long-distance relationships would just do almost anything to be together and eliminate the distance. I'm not ungrateful, though. In fact, writing this reminded me that I (well, we) need to concentrate on being better. Maintaining a long-distance relationship is hard work, but then again, maintaining any relationship is hard work. Which is why I think it's worth living for.
Friday, March 18, 2016
Sunday, October 4, 2015
Let's write for your immune system!
A friend recently told me that writing about traumatic or upsetting events for a little as 20 minutes a day for only 3 days would boost your immune system for up to 6 weeks.
My reaction to that was, REALLY? Apparently there has been a research about it and my friend actually met the lead author of the research. I think it's safe for me to believe that he's not just trying to cheer me up. Come to think of it, I have actually done it. I was more productive in writing when I was upset, rather than when I was happy. I think most people share that trait. Most of my writer friends are very productive when they're in a crappy mood. And I have to say that after writing a long post or letter about an upsetting whatever, I would actually feel better (although generally the writing process itself didn't help me solving the problems).
I'm going through several processes at the moment. The main thing is my migration process. Now we are going to deal with the visa/living permit process and after 3 months, I'm going to leave this country. This is not a simple process and I haven't actually thought about the reaction from my family. So far, they have been acting like it's not a big deal and that I will come back home soon. I have mentioned the fact that I am not going to come back anytime soon (at least for 2 years), but it seems it fell on deaf ears (my mum's ears mostly). I'm sure when my visa is out and they realise that it's going to happen soon (like in a week's time or something silly like that), they'd start to fret. So far, my mum's concern is about my unmarried status. She thought by (actually) living the life that I have planned would not bring me closer to getting married. Little that she knows it has never been my priority. Actually, she knows that (because I've told her so many times) but she refuses to acknowledge that, as usual. My dad's concern is that I'm wasting my time. For him it's security and future savings and not much anything else when it comes to what-matters-in-life. So, again, the idea of living life the way I want it to be just doesn't seem appealing or responsible or unselfish.
Another thing happening now is the return of the prodigal son. Classic. My brother just returned from a 2-year master's degree abroad and he is still crashing at my parents' while his apartment is getting a makeover. Ever since he's back, it feels like it's 1995 again. But worse because he's older now and he feels he knows all the right things. I don't mind it as long as it doesn't involve me, but woe is me, because the little sister will always be the little sister, although she is 30 now.
I've been saying to myself: this will end in 3 months, and so far it helps. I still get upset and need to vent but most of the times the thought of finally starting a life that I have been dreaming all these years helps. It also helps when I have a partner that is constantly trying really hard to build what we would call home together. Recently I just found out (he kept it a secret until a few days ago) that we would be moving into a new house and it's houseboat! Living in a houseboat in Utrecht has been a thing that we both dreamed we would be doing. You should check this if you have no idea what I'm talking about (although ours is teeny tiny). So it is exciting and I am definitely looking forward to go back to Holland and have that healthy distance from any patronising advice.
Back to writing to increase the immune system: I think it's worth trying although it might not work for everyone. I can't say that I feel amazing now, but I can tell that I am less upset about what happened in the morning today. So, I guess it does work in some levels :)
Happy writing.
My reaction to that was, REALLY? Apparently there has been a research about it and my friend actually met the lead author of the research. I think it's safe for me to believe that he's not just trying to cheer me up. Come to think of it, I have actually done it. I was more productive in writing when I was upset, rather than when I was happy. I think most people share that trait. Most of my writer friends are very productive when they're in a crappy mood. And I have to say that after writing a long post or letter about an upsetting whatever, I would actually feel better (although generally the writing process itself didn't help me solving the problems).
I'm going through several processes at the moment. The main thing is my migration process. Now we are going to deal with the visa/living permit process and after 3 months, I'm going to leave this country. This is not a simple process and I haven't actually thought about the reaction from my family. So far, they have been acting like it's not a big deal and that I will come back home soon. I have mentioned the fact that I am not going to come back anytime soon (at least for 2 years), but it seems it fell on deaf ears (my mum's ears mostly). I'm sure when my visa is out and they realise that it's going to happen soon (like in a week's time or something silly like that), they'd start to fret. So far, my mum's concern is about my unmarried status. She thought by (actually) living the life that I have planned would not bring me closer to getting married. Little that she knows it has never been my priority. Actually, she knows that (because I've told her so many times) but she refuses to acknowledge that, as usual. My dad's concern is that I'm wasting my time. For him it's security and future savings and not much anything else when it comes to what-matters-in-life. So, again, the idea of living life the way I want it to be just doesn't seem appealing or responsible or unselfish.
Another thing happening now is the return of the prodigal son. Classic. My brother just returned from a 2-year master's degree abroad and he is still crashing at my parents' while his apartment is getting a makeover. Ever since he's back, it feels like it's 1995 again. But worse because he's older now and he feels he knows all the right things. I don't mind it as long as it doesn't involve me, but woe is me, because the little sister will always be the little sister, although she is 30 now.
I've been saying to myself: this will end in 3 months, and so far it helps. I still get upset and need to vent but most of the times the thought of finally starting a life that I have been dreaming all these years helps. It also helps when I have a partner that is constantly trying really hard to build what we would call home together. Recently I just found out (he kept it a secret until a few days ago) that we would be moving into a new house and it's houseboat! Living in a houseboat in Utrecht has been a thing that we both dreamed we would be doing. You should check this if you have no idea what I'm talking about (although ours is teeny tiny). So it is exciting and I am definitely looking forward to go back to Holland and have that healthy distance from any patronising advice.
Back to writing to increase the immune system: I think it's worth trying although it might not work for everyone. I can't say that I feel amazing now, but I can tell that I am less upset about what happened in the morning today. So, I guess it does work in some levels :)
Happy writing.
Friday, March 13, 2015
About Terry Pratchett
I read the news last night just before I went to bed. I immediately felt a part of what constructed my joy had gone away. I actually felt sad, and I am still sad by the news. It's strange to feel some kind of connection with someone whom I've never met and whom didn't even know that I exist in this world, connected through enjoying his works over the years.
I have fallen in love with Sam Vimes when I first read one of the Discworld books, and then found out that Pratchett had written a book with another favourite author, Neil Gaiman, in Good Omens. I remember I was in Singapore at that time so many years ago, trying to find some books to take back home to Indonesia. I'm glad that I found Good Omens. And I'm glad that my copy got borrowed by some friends, infecting them with both Pratchett and Gaiman.
I guess why I decided to write about this is because Pratchett's books have brought so much fun and delight in my life. His hilarious footnotes and characters (my second favourite character is Death) have never failed to amuse me. I turned to his books during the really dark period of my life and they had helped me. Maybe that's why I feel I have lost something although I don't know him personally. Maybe that's what every Pratchett's fan is feeling at the moment.
One good thing is that his work is still here. Some I have in my book case. Some I'm sure I will get in the near future. And this is something that I need to be grateful for. Thank you, Terry Pratchett. Rest in peace.
I have fallen in love with Sam Vimes when I first read one of the Discworld books, and then found out that Pratchett had written a book with another favourite author, Neil Gaiman, in Good Omens. I remember I was in Singapore at that time so many years ago, trying to find some books to take back home to Indonesia. I'm glad that I found Good Omens. And I'm glad that my copy got borrowed by some friends, infecting them with both Pratchett and Gaiman.
I guess why I decided to write about this is because Pratchett's books have brought so much fun and delight in my life. His hilarious footnotes and characters (my second favourite character is Death) have never failed to amuse me. I turned to his books during the really dark period of my life and they had helped me. Maybe that's why I feel I have lost something although I don't know him personally. Maybe that's what every Pratchett's fan is feeling at the moment.
One good thing is that his work is still here. Some I have in my book case. Some I'm sure I will get in the near future. And this is something that I need to be grateful for. Thank you, Terry Pratchett. Rest in peace.
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