I have been wanting to write this post but kept on postponing it until today. I wanted to write about PMDD or Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (the word premenstrual should give you an idea) or that-time-when-you-get-so-depressed-and-anxious-you-just-want-to-kill-yourself-first-thing-in-the-morning. Never heard of it before? Well, I just found out about it myself a couple of months ago, when I again fell into depression just days before I had my period and had a terrible argument with my partner about it. I tried to explain about PMS so I looked up on the Internet and found out about PMDD. When I read the descriptions, I realised that it's the very thing that has been damning me for my entire adult life.
I remembered the symptoms weren't so bad when I was younger, but they got more severe in the past years. Obviously, different factors are involved because the hormones that drive you to insanity or depression are affected by external factors, such as diet. But anyway, the symptoms were less severe before, they were barely noticeable, and now they are in full swing, ready to bitch-slap you into the pit of dark depression.
In the articles that I read about PMDD, it always involves a subject about "how to live with someone with PMDD" because to be really honest, people who are close to people with PMDD will definitely get affected. In this case, it's my partner. My solution, so far, is to always communicate every changes that I feel in my moods and feelings. It kinda sounds stupid, but at least it gives some kind of a warning to my partner that it is approaching--this crazy tsunami of depression is now close and going to drawn me in a matter of days. That doesn't mean he won't get hurt by the nasty things that I (might) say to him when I am drowning. It requires a lot of work, from both sides to make things work. Not only my partner needs to understand that it's not something I can control, but I also need to be able to cope with my depression in a positive light. It's hard to get out of the depression when I realise that I have hurt the person who cares a lot about me.
I have read several people said that it's like a demon, an alien part of oneself, who comes out every once a month destroying every bit of your sanity and then leave when it's done and satisfied. I used to see it that way, but somehow it stopped making me feel better. Instead, now I see it as, like I have mentioned before, a tsunami. I can see (well, "see" as in check the calendar) it coming--good thing that I have a reliable menstrual cycle--and prepare for it. Also, prepare my partner by giving him lots and lots of warning. And then, prepare myself to swim and dive if necessary because there's just no other way around it. I can't stop it, I can't run away from it. When it hits me, it hits me hard. It is also painful for me (not to mention the real actual physical pain of PMS) to be depressed for most of the time, becoming very lethargic and losing appetite and weight and just generally feeling sad all the bloody time without any good reason.
Some people will laugh about this (one friend actually did and told me that we, modern people, tend to "pathologise" every single problem that we have--well, fuck him). Some people will just shrug and dismiss this as a "women's thing". The problem is, I don't want this shit and I bet other women with PMDD don't want this happening in their life because I am not having fun, at all. And no, it's not fun to be angry all the time either.
What kind of moral conclusion I can draw from this post? I guess it's always good to try and understand things from different perspectives because in my case, by trying to understand my partner's perspective and feelings, I can be more positive, and vice versa.
p.s. you can read more about PMDD from this blog.
