I'm increasingly aware that the older I get, the more socially awkward I am. I don't like crowds (anymore); I don't like going to social gathering of not-so-close people (anymore); I dislike people (even more) except for a handful that I call friends and vice versa; I get super anxious when I feel I have done something socially unacceptable.
I remember when I was in my early 20s, I loved going out and hanging out with random people; strangers even. I didn't have any huge social anxiety or anything like that. I was confident and very very social. And now a decade later, I just don't have the appetite to socialise anymore. Not only now I don't live in my native country, I also don't really speak the local language. A lot of "expats" here moan about social exclusion; they don't have friends, they don't speak the language, etc. that limits their social life. I moan about how I probably need to learn to socially integrate and *gasp* have a social life. I'm not saying that I actively stop myself from making new friends; on the contrary, I have a few (new-ish) friends here in this strange country and I like them and I don't feel I need more. Is that wrong?
This state of being annoyed by stuff that I can't really define is probably because I'm unconsciously trying to do what is socially acceptable, instead of trying to do what makes me comfortable. If I don't want to go to a party, then I can and who cares what whoever thinks. And this should be a conscious decision, instead of driven by a fear of social backlash. I think my Indonesian-ness is heavily ingrained that I oftentimes just completely forget that it's there and has become my mode of operating. I need to learn that it is okay to say no, sorry, I rather stay home, than dragging myself to a thing that eventually will just make me feel miserable just because that's the acceptable thing to do.
TL;DR I like animals better. They don't make me feel awkward. Ever.
