I do love you, Indonesia, but...

sunset somewhere in Bali. credit: aritarman

Maybe around a week ago, I met up with some friends. They're from my uni period, and working as lecturers at my old uni. Different major, but the same department. Anyways, I'd been trying to see them for a month, and finally we managed to find the time. The last time I saw them was probably four or five years ago. So, we got A LOT of catching up to do. It's quite typical, you summed up your life in the past four/five years: work(s), relationship(s), significant events, etc. I told them what had happened with my professional life and of course mentioned the stupid mistake of working for the government. 

Their reactions were somewhat surprising. I didn't expect them out of all people would actually question my decision. I thought since they dubbed themselves smarter and more progressive than other lecturers in their department, they would at least understand my reasons for quitting without so many whys. One friend even got further by saying he wanted to switch places with me, if I refused to take money from my boss because I didn't work for it. He would just take it, he said. I was like, okay this is weird. And then I spent the next 30 minutes answering all the whys and trying to make them understand that my decision was not because I was a snobby bitch. The way they stared at me made me feel like I was the biggest and bitchiest snob in the universe, though. Finally, the other friend said that I did make the right decision because of the difficult circumstances involving corruption and such. I was like, what's difficult about that? People decided to take money without questioning its source, I did question. Nothing difficult. Unless, keeping your values and morals is considered difficult, then I was a goddamned hero. But, no I don't feel like one, nor I wanted to be recognised as one (or as anything other than myself, in that matter). 

Which led me to this: what the fuck is happening with people in this country? How come I needed to explain why corruption is bad and why we need to take a stand and create a change, at least with ourselves if we can't do anything further than that? It freaks me out to see so many people question my reasons quitting the government job. I can't remember whether I wrote about this or not in a different post, but I was once confronted by a member of my extended family. He was trying to make me feel guilty for the decision. He said something about how he had dreamt becoming a civil servant all his life etc. etc. etc. Did he question my reasons? Nope. I doubt he would care or understand anyway. Oh, let's not forget all people working in that goddamned office, who even bothered going to my department just because they wanted to gossip about the girl  who resigned.

I should have mentioned about my real objections about the office to my superiors then, but I didn't. Instead, I chose to use personal reasons. I did mention how I didn't feel like growing professionally in that office. But I didn't say I hate you lot because you just wasted taxpayers' money by doing shit in this office. Maybe I should, maybe I shouldn't. Honestly, I doubt harsh criticism or any criticism would do anything good, considering their (the people at that office) attitude towards their job and obligations.

 
Maybe it's because I'm rather odd. I've always suspected that. Do you ever feel that? Not odd in a good way, like X-Men-before-they-knew-they're-cool-mutants-odd. But it's when you felt like you didn't belong, even in your closest circle, and then your suspicion was confirmed and you ended up getting hurt anyway (despite suspecting your oddity for a while). Oh, right. That happened to me. I thought I was going to be okay, but apparently not. Right, enough emotional breakdown.

I guess I just feel a bit helpless. Too much shit is going on in this country. And I doubt I will change much just by writing a stupid blog post.

  

Friends and a booty call

I have read different posts about working at home. And the one thing that is repeatedly mentioned is how your social life becomes fairly limited. I guess it's generalising, really. I'm sure there are a lot of people who work from home but maintain a healthy social life. Then again, who set the standard for a "healthy social life"? What I feel so far after working almost six months from home, I don't really have a social life. I think I made the right decision to move back home after (almost) four years living in the capital. Here, I reconnected with my old social circle.

Alas, time changes everything, as we know it. Friends moved away, got married, got married and divorced, got a mad girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband, got carried away with work...which basically make them impossible to meet. I knew something like this would happen when I moved back. It wasn't a big surprise. But that doesn't mean I can't be sad, right? Anyway, there are still a few close friends whom I can relate to and see from time to time. Eventually, what lasts is what has been existing in life since a long time ago. 

A friend said I need to make new friends. This is when the "working from home" becomes an issue. Because I mostly stay at home and work, I don't really go out. When I do go out, it's when I see my friends from the same circle. So, it's like I'm not really making any effort to create a new social circle. I think I'm succeeding with people in different countries, but not in my own home town, strangely enough. Sometimes, I question whether I'm a bit of an antisocial. But then again, several friends said I'm the ice breaker between friends. Not that antisocial apparently. Oh well. It doesn't really matter.

Anyway, I got a booty blackberry message from a friend last night. Actually this is the reason why I started writing this post. I remember I was thinking of going out because I was a bit bored and a bit annoyed no one asked me to go out and hang out. Then this friend bbm-ed me and he was drinking and saying wasn't drunk...couldn't get drunk (yea, right). Not long after that he started getting a bit sexual and I knew where he was going with the conversation. He insisted in going to my house (which was a crazy idea since I live with my parents) and I told him no and that he should keep on drinking and mind his own business. Eventually I turned off my phone because he didn't stop harassing me.

That was my first experience. And I can simply shrug it off because he's drunk and generally a nice person. But it made last night even more annoying. A lesson learned: I can be sad, but I'm not sad enough to submit myself to a booty call (or bbm or sms or whatever). Yay dignity.