credit: Zanskar, dreamtime.com
We managed to waste our time in the hardware store, because apparently we shared the same fetish when it comes to any hardware store. I like the neat alignment and he likes hardware. We are both weird with a different way. Later on after a quite long hardwarergasm, we stood at the plaza of the first floor of the mall. We knew we had to eat. The question "where" has always been a constant problem in our everyday routine. So, we stood there for I don't know how long, definitely long enough to attract people's attention. And watching other people.
I was eating a chocolate bar, while my friend stood looking bored. He's tall and I'm pixie size, which made us look a bit dysfunctional. Plus our significant age difference and colours. We became the-best-to-avoid-sight-of-the-day. But lo and behold! After standing around for about 10 minutes, while munching away my chocolate bar, we saw one couple walking pass us. The man, white, in his late 30's, semi-bald, not so good looking with a normal outfit. The girl, chocolate, super skinny with thin flat legs, probably in her early 20's, long hair, full on make-up, not so good looking with a skanky outfit. She was all over him. Naturally.
I stared at them (yes, I know that's impolite) while they walked away. She was laughing quite loudly while at the same time trying to dig her nails onto the poor man's flesh. Oh. Wait a minute. He's not poor. He's just semi-bald. Anyway, what gave her away was her overall appearance. She is not horrendously ugly or anything. Not beautiful, but not bad either. She definitely could have made herself look more interesting if she uses her slimness to her advantage. Plus her outfit was just way too skanky for someone who doesn't think that one's body is one's source of income. And I mean literally, not metaphorically.
Apparently there is another couple trailing behind these two lovebirds. Strikingly similar to the first one. Probably they know each other. Odd enough, the second girl has the same appearance. She was wearing a short summer dress though, unlike the super short red mini skirt the other girl had. She also looked anorexic, a healthy six-year-old will fit her dress.
At that point I only had degrading judgment upon these girls. I know it's unfair and sexist, and probably, hypocrite. Sadly though, I know I won't be the only person who would think that way. It's easier to judge by the cover. And that's why people create brand or image. What about these girls? Were they doing it on purpose because they embrace whatever stigma coming from other people? Because they just didn't care? Because they didn't realise it?
I was disturbed because these women exposed themselves to social judgment. The problem is, IMHO, they did it on the wrong way. The same with the men. If I want to make a comparison, I basically did the same thing by standing on the plaza with my friend. As individuals, nothing's wrong with us. Pair us together, you start thinking there must be something wrong with the picture. And of course it's judgmental. Everything is.
I wonder though if those girls chose an entirely different outfit (say, a knee-long free flowing summer dress with flat shoes or a loose t-shirt with a short skirt and wedges), would I have thought differently about them?
It was Monday morning, and I was at work. The first thing that I normally do after switching on my computer is to check for e-mails. I noticed I got three messages from an unknown person. It was sent to my facebook account. Apparently, it was an ex-girlfriend of a friend. She berated me, accusing me of things, but at the same time trying to "save" me from imminent pain. I guess. I replied nicely. I care about my friend dearly, I decided to politely tell her to back off. Though, my guts tell me she will be back with more attacks. This time it will be me instead of my friend. And I was right. She managed to get my number and text me because I already blocked her on facebook. I proceeded by blocking her on my phone. Horay for technology.
It is not her (false) accusations that bothered me. It was her delusional mental state. She manages to justify her pain and blames other for it. Whilst she is the one who inflicted her own pain. I know what she wanted by sending me those mails. She wanted me to be as angry as her, feeling tricked, played, and fooled. And then probably, create the same drama, similar to hers. Thus, making my friend's life a little bit worse than hell. Inflicting pain to justify one's pain.
I often see this type of girl in this country (at least in two cities). I even have a friend who used to act the same. Luckily, she managed to find a nice boy (or rather the boy managed to find her) and got married... ending the vicious cycle of sad dramas which has been going on since she's 17 or something.
I think these people are addicted to pain. Beats me the "why" part. I'm pretty sure it's all Freudian and such. Not interested. What interesting for me is the "how" aspect. By addicting to pain, you will seek out every possible mean to gain emotional scar. The deeper, the better. You get to brag about it. It doesn't matter whether you get the story correct or not. The important thing is you have been hurt, broken down, beaten to pulp by some heartless bastards. You are the victim. And I'll say this again, you get to brag about it.
Anyone who is addicted to pain will talk about the pain almost constantly. I was like that in the past, before I realised it's too stupid. There isn't any good justification for this stupidity. It wore me down, dragged to me depression and suicidal tendency.
This woman is the same. She prefers to prolong her pain by making my friend's life like hell, and later, trying to attack me. Pain pain pain and more pain. Sadly, I have no sympathy for her.
I have been attending two weddings in two weekends. It wasn't all bad, but on principal I don't like weddings. I used to joke with a friend, that we prefer to go to funerals than weddings because it's less annoying. You get to give your condolences, and no one will come to you asking, "So when are you coming up (or down, I guess)?" While another friend wrote that she always finds funerals awkward. I guess I embrace death better than holy matrimony.
But going to (too many) wedding receptions highlighted my unmarried and single status. My mum also gave additional seasonings to the whole recipe, saying that it's about a damn time and that I shall not put the burden to my (two) older siblings. How weird is that? The youngest child should also share the responsibility to procreation. I am not changing my mind, mind you (and me). I still don't have good enough reasons to tie the knot with anyone. Plus the "anyone" does not exist at this point. Even better.
Meanwhile, I haven't gone to any funeral this year. People still die, of course (just like people are still getting married even if I refuse to come). There were friends, relatives, and other people whom I didn't know personally, but still regretted the fact the world has lost someone decent. My grandmum died sometime last year. I think it's March last year. I didn't go to her funeral, since she lived in a different island and things were a bit hectic. But her death didn't come as a surprise. She's quite old and fragile. Funny thing is sometimes I still think that she's still alive, living in her big old house, watching telly and eating sticky rice, chewing loudly with her false teeth.
I just told a friend that I am lacking optimism for my social life's current state. I have poured it all out for my work... which sounds terribly lame, I know. I cannot help it though. It is not something that I regret. I do feel lonely, most of the time. But apparently I only feel a wee bit sad. Quite impressive considering I tended to be hysterical when alone. The same friend (with morbid taste of funeral) explained the theory of life changing process and how one has to tread the changes and life itself carefully, especially if you just had a life changing experience. My past relationship (strangely it's the same case with my friend) had taught me a lot. One thing is to say no to someone whom you used to care or perhaps still care a lot. I didn't think it was THAT hard. Apparently it was.
I think this is the phase when I just gladly (and perhaps blindly) accept things without too much protest, making the best out of it because I know nothing lasts forever. I know my chance of getting married is slim, but the possibility of me dying soon, who knows? So might as well enjoy life while I still have it. Life is a twisted joke, anyway :)
