Monday, July 4, 2011

Wedding, funeral, and loneliness

I have been attending two weddings in two weekends. It wasn't all bad, but on principal I don't like weddings. I used to joke with a friend, that we prefer to go to funerals than weddings because it's less annoying. You get to give your condolences, and no one will come to you asking, "So when are you coming up (or down, I guess)?" While another friend wrote that she always finds funerals awkward. I guess I embrace death better than holy matrimony.

But going to (too many) wedding receptions highlighted my unmarried and single status. My mum also gave additional seasonings to the whole recipe, saying that it's about a damn time and that I shall not put the burden to my (two) older siblings. How weird is that? The youngest child should also share the responsibility to procreation. I am not changing my mind, mind you (and me). I still don't have good enough reasons to tie the knot with anyone. Plus the "anyone" does not exist at this point. Even better.

Meanwhile, I haven't gone to any funeral this year. People still die, of course (just like people are still getting married even if I refuse to come). There were friends, relatives, and other people whom I didn't know personally, but still regretted the fact the world has lost someone decent. My grandmum died sometime last year. I think it's March last year. I didn't go to her funeral, since she lived in a different island and things were a bit hectic. But her death didn't come as a surprise. She's quite old and fragile. Funny thing is sometimes I still think that she's still alive, living in her big old house, watching telly and eating sticky rice, chewing loudly with her false teeth.

I just told a friend that I am lacking optimism for my social life's
current state. I have poured it all out for my work... which sounds terribly lame, I know. I cannot help it though. It is not something that I regret. I do feel lonely, most of the time. But apparently I only feel a wee bit sad. Quite impressive considering I tended to be hysterical when alone. The same friend (with morbid taste of funeral) explained the theory of life changing process and how one has to tread the changes and life itself carefully, especially if you just had a life changing experience. My past relationship (strangely it's the same case with my friend) had taught me a lot. One thing is to say no to someone whom you used to care or perhaps still care a lot. I didn't think it was THAT hard. Apparently it was.

I think this is the phase when I just gladly (and perhaps blindly) accept things without too much protest, making the best out of it because I know nothing lasts forever. I know my chance of getting married is slim, but the possibility of me dying soon, who knows? So might as well enjoy life while I still have it. Life is a twisted joke, anyway :)

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