Pondering

I'm still recovering from recent illness. It was probably one of the worst ill moments of this year, which I took really bad because I was alone and no one actually knew I was ill apart from very few friends. I had been having fever for four days before I decided it's high time to go back home to my parents' house and got proper treatment and care. Luckily I did that because further blood test showed Salmonella in my blood, which meant I got the infamous typhoid. A level 4 typhoid, whatever that meant. Oh, plus measles. Hence, the outrageous fever.

Anyway, the (more or less) 10 days of laying down helpless, relying a lot on my mum and dad, I realised how lonely and fragile I was. Well, I've known I'm fragile in terms of having a rather weak and sickly body. Trust me I've tried to take care of myself, but sometimes my body just fails me. I guess I didn't get the healthy edition when God created the body. God, can I ask for a new healthier body?

I was also reminded about my parents/family. I couldn't remember the last time I was held by my dad, and it happened when I passed out on the living room. He was the one lifted me off the floor and then held me tight in his arms. When I started to get my consciousness back, I saw my dad holding me and my mum's panic-stricken face in front of me. It was like a dream, but I remembered that despite my high fever, my dad's cheek felt warm. So were his arms. And my mum felt soft and I felt safe when I leaned on her on our way to the emergency room. I realised how much I love them, despite the occasionally I'm-going-mad feeling when staying with my parents for more than five days.

I am getting better , but I'm still feeling rather claustrophobic for staying in a room for more than three days. My parents' bedroom is significantly larger than the "space" that I have here in this city, but I couldn't stay too long in a room now. So the office became a weird comfort, for the spacious room and bright lights and huge windows. That sounds weird, but that's how it is.

I know I still feel lonely, but I'm learning to not give too much attention to it. A friend told me to meet new people and just hang out at different events. I realised I don't want new friends, I want my old friends: the ones who have been in my life for ages and ages and ages. The one who is now grieving for his sick mother; the one who is now just entering marriage life; the one who is now thinking about serious career and marriage; the one who is struggling finding excitement in life; the one who is now doing things that I don't really understand but apparently it's good for him. I want these people, I want them close to me. But alas, that can't be done. Maybe I should find new friends.

Being sick can be good. It gives me time to think a lot, to ponder on things which I have neglected so far because I was too busy, or so I said to myself. I know now that I don't have any special feelings for anyone. I thought I had; now I think I was exaggerating. I know now that I'm quite depressed with my current job. Not the job mind you; it's the welfare situation. I also know that I am confused with my future plan. Everything is pretty messed up, although I said it is not. Worry much? Maybe. Maybe not.

I'm glad I'm not sick anymore...for now at least. I'm glad I had been ill, because then I realised different things. Now, where did I put the soul charger away?