I've got me under my skin

This month started pretty roughly. I have accepted a project that turns out just a bit too difficult for me; challenging yes, but crazy hard. I also have been experiencing bad mood swings and some sort of depression, all hormones related. Added to the mix, I have my family (in full formation with one new additional member, aka the baby nephew) at my parents' house. It's like living in a mad house sometimes.

Do you know the cliche "you feel alone in the crowd" or something similar to that? I think basically we just realise no matter how crowded our life is, eventually you're going to be alone. Alone as in you can only depend on yourself. You don't depend on other people because when you do that you start forming expectations and hopes, and hey you know what, you aren't entitled to those things, no matter how hard you want to believe that you are. When you rely on yourself, you only have you. The worst thing is you will get disappointed by you. Although when you are trapped in a cycle of self-hate, it's a bit tough to forgive yourself and move on. But that's necessary. You are going to live with yourself for the rest of your life.

One of my friends recently just told me how unhappy he was when he was single and how grateful he is now for his girlfriend. I congratulated him for his happiness and also told him that being single wasn't that bad for me. He frowned and asked, "Like how it wasn't bad?" I told him it's about the independence and the process to be okay with oneself. And how you can learn a lot just from compromising your life to singleness. Yes, it's lonely sometimes, but that's why you have cats. He laughed and told me I was going to be a crazy cat lady, if I am not now. I took it as a compliment.

Sometimes I forget how to be with myself when I'm with someone. Sometimes security provided by other people: family, friends, lovers, make you feel you can lower your guard a bit and relax. But reality is never that kind. I know now that it doesn't really work that way, because that means I'm taking things for granted and forgetting my own abilities to survive. I need the occasional slap on the cheek so I'll be awake.

I got the slap and now I'm awake. Time to go back to work.