Friends

A couple of days ago, I was going to bed after a long day at the office. I was texting an acquaintance, asking him few things, while fumbling with my pillows. And then, I text another friend, asking whether we could hang out on the weekend. I don't know why, probably partly it was because my friend didn't reply to my text, I started thinking about my "friends". Exactly, what constitute a friend? A mutual understanding? Shared interests? An invisible, yet strong bond? A fuzzy warm feeling every time you're in their company? Trust? The need to have that person in your life? The number on your facebook account?

I tried to see who the people that I missed that night. And few names came up. Those people in the list would be contacted soon or had been contacted recently by me. And then I tried to see how many people from the list who would contact me just to see how I was doing. There were only two names which I was certain of. Because these two people had just contacted me recently just to know whether I was okay or not. And partly because they missed me, like I have missed them.

Another question came to the surface. Who would think that I am a significant part of their life (other than my family, of course)? And again, only two names came out. And then I tried to see the big picture, trying to imagine whether I have done injustice to my "friends" with my weird assessment. Well, there was nothing in the big picture: just a vast meadow with a couple of tress and a bright blue sky. A nice view indeed, but it was empty.

Then, I text a friend from college. Basically asking him whether he had this experience before: realising that maybe the people whom you considered as friends were no more than acquaintances, which is not a bad thing, of course, and that to actually find a real friend is a difficult task that will be taken no matter what. He said he knew what I was rambling about, but he managed to convince himself in the end that he lived and strive for himself. Wise. Selfish. But, that's human. I'm selfish too by thinking I have more acquaintances than friends (because maybe, just maybe, there are people/friends who will disagree with me).

I continued my "discussion" by calling one friend on the list. He was up thankfully. So I told him my general thought that night. He, as predicted, laughed and told me that I was making a premature conclusion. It might be true what I felt at that moment, but it could very well change in the near future. When I told him I was going to write this thought, he said I should, so I would see the difference in the future. He always has optimist views about me, that's why I like being friends with him.

I felt no sadness that night. A bit relieved actually. I still have friends. Not a big number, but they are priceless. And somehow, I didn't feel the typical loneliness that night.