About (not) going back home

I have been travelling a lot these past two years, it almost feels like I'm making up the time when I'm not travelling. My decision to change the way I work, from a full-timer to a freelancer, really helps in terms of being super flexible and just not getting depressed with different demands from your employer.

I, sometimes, would feel that the place I visit was so amazing that I didn't want to go back to Indonesia. Or sometimes, I'd feel so out of place, I would be really excited about going back to a place that was more or less could be identified as "home." Obviously, these are all in the past. I've written a rather cheesy post about the new-found home. And this time, I'm having a new sort of feeling: I really don't want to go back.

Now, even thinking about going back to Indonesia gives me physical pain. It's not that I detest Indonesia and its people. I like how everything is crazy and chaotic and organic (unlike in Holland, for instance, where everything is so organized and neat and plastic-y) and how I would have to find my way through the wild puzzle of the hypocritical social life in this country. I had liked that. I'm just tired of it. It drains my energy and pretending is never my strong suit. I also realise that physical distance is necessary if I want to "mend" my broken head (not heart), and after being away from Indonesia for a month now, I know that as much as I love that place, I can't really live there anymore.

Which now leads to "holy-shit-life-sucks" part of the post. Obviously, coming from a third-world country (do they still use this ranking anyway? It's so dumb) to a first-world country means hassle. Just incredible hassle. It's hard for anyone to get the hell out of some shit hole just to get into a different kind of shit hole. It's rather amazing that way.

I guess you got to work hard to get what you really want in life. This time is a safe place with people who understand my language and don't get offended if I have an opinion. This time, it will be for something more permanent and worth every goddamned effort that I can muster.

So, wish me luck.