Dear tiny lump in my right breast,
I sincerely hope you're just one of those weird lumps that sometimes ache but not really going to hurt my body in a horrible-mutated-cancerous way. I hope you are just the kind of lump that needs some care and attention and then you will get better after I give you some love. I really don't want to force you out of my breast because that will be sad. I also don't want you to grow bigger because that will be bad.
I just want you to stay where you are, or if you can just dissolve nicely and harmless, that will be amazing. It will be even better if it turns out you're just a gland, like other glands in my breasts. Maybe you're just a bit different. Maybe you're just a bit lonely.
Anyway, my dear tiny lump, I hope we can have a good relationship that doesn't require anyone to get sedated and go under a surgeon's knife. Especially not in this country.
Sincerely yours,
Me
Friday, March 21, 2014
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
A wake up call
In the attempt of a badly needed self-reflection upon receiving an ultimatum for my bad behaviours, a good (and damn smart) friend reminded me about claiming responsibility towards one's happiness. This a thing that I often forget when I am in a relationship and it's a bit embarrassing that I needed an ultimatum first before I started to get my shit together.
It's so easy to fall into the trap of "dependency", or maybe it's just easy for me to fall into that pit. The conversation with said friend then went to the details of my failures so far, and grating as they might be to my ego, these were all true. I fail claiming responsibility for my own happiness by thinking I could now rely on this relationship. The trap is that I felt like it's due time for me to relax a bit; I didn't have to work so hard to stay strong and to continue fight for things that I wanted; I thought now that I had a partner, I could just lean onto him for a bit. Bad move. Because it has spoilt me, lulling me to think that I could ask for attention and care every time I need it. Because it has made me feel that I didn't have to try by myself to make me feel less lonely when I do feel lonely. Or sad.
Although it's a bit contradictory, like my friend said, to make ourselves happy and be independent when we have a partner in life, it is true. That's the right thing to do: maintaining independence and knowing how you can be happy with or without your partner. Relying your happiness on someone else, although this person really loves you, is never a good thing because it means your partner is going to be the centre of your life and it's going to cripple you when you don't have this person for whatever reasons in the future. And this is a thing that I should have realised sooner because I have had these problems in the past. And this is a thing that you would read in any "relationship for dummies" books or articles. Big d'oh for myself.
I also forgot one important thing. I decided I wanted to be with my boyfriend now because I think he's a great person and I admire his qualities and he makes me happy, not because I need him to make me happy. Silly me. Mental slap.
Next, self-pity and self-hate. I agree with my friend when she said it's just an easy thing to do. It is. And I think I have said similar things to other friends when they are wallowing in self-pity and self-hate. It IS easier to say things than do them, no? Changing or improving yourself for the better is the difficult thing to do because it needs a process. Self-pity and self-hate is like instant reactions for me. I don't even need to try. It's like drugs, addictive and harmful. And it will make your brain stop working properly.
I realise I have been unhappy for a long time for different reasons. I carry quite a lot of baggages that I'm slowly (painfully) managing. Forgiving and not forgetting (because I don't really forget), just stopping it from affecting me. This is also another thing that is definitely easier to say than do. But I think it's about damn time I stop feeling so resentful about myself and one thing to do is to claim responsibility. I need to be okay with myself although sometimes I just don't like me too much: embracing my own horrible side, which might be not so horrible after all when perceived with a new set of glasses. After all, no one is perfect. Everyone comes with their own wounds.
I don't really make resolutions and it's a bit too late to call it a New Year's resolution, but if I ever made one, all these things are on top of my list. It's time to quit the drugs. It's time to get sober. I wish myself luck.
p.s. I'm really grateful for having amazing friends in my life who are never shy to tell me what they think about me and help me in ways that I would never expect. I am also really grateful that I have such an honest partner that helps me learn about myself better.
It's so easy to fall into the trap of "dependency", or maybe it's just easy for me to fall into that pit. The conversation with said friend then went to the details of my failures so far, and grating as they might be to my ego, these were all true. I fail claiming responsibility for my own happiness by thinking I could now rely on this relationship. The trap is that I felt like it's due time for me to relax a bit; I didn't have to work so hard to stay strong and to continue fight for things that I wanted; I thought now that I had a partner, I could just lean onto him for a bit. Bad move. Because it has spoilt me, lulling me to think that I could ask for attention and care every time I need it. Because it has made me feel that I didn't have to try by myself to make me feel less lonely when I do feel lonely. Or sad.
Although it's a bit contradictory, like my friend said, to make ourselves happy and be independent when we have a partner in life, it is true. That's the right thing to do: maintaining independence and knowing how you can be happy with or without your partner. Relying your happiness on someone else, although this person really loves you, is never a good thing because it means your partner is going to be the centre of your life and it's going to cripple you when you don't have this person for whatever reasons in the future. And this is a thing that I should have realised sooner because I have had these problems in the past. And this is a thing that you would read in any "relationship for dummies" books or articles. Big d'oh for myself.
I also forgot one important thing. I decided I wanted to be with my boyfriend now because I think he's a great person and I admire his qualities and he makes me happy, not because I need him to make me happy. Silly me. Mental slap.
Next, self-pity and self-hate. I agree with my friend when she said it's just an easy thing to do. It is. And I think I have said similar things to other friends when they are wallowing in self-pity and self-hate. It IS easier to say things than do them, no? Changing or improving yourself for the better is the difficult thing to do because it needs a process. Self-pity and self-hate is like instant reactions for me. I don't even need to try. It's like drugs, addictive and harmful. And it will make your brain stop working properly.
I realise I have been unhappy for a long time for different reasons. I carry quite a lot of baggages that I'm slowly (painfully) managing. Forgiving and not forgetting (because I don't really forget), just stopping it from affecting me. This is also another thing that is definitely easier to say than do. But I think it's about damn time I stop feeling so resentful about myself and one thing to do is to claim responsibility. I need to be okay with myself although sometimes I just don't like me too much: embracing my own horrible side, which might be not so horrible after all when perceived with a new set of glasses. After all, no one is perfect. Everyone comes with their own wounds.
I don't really make resolutions and it's a bit too late to call it a New Year's resolution, but if I ever made one, all these things are on top of my list. It's time to quit the drugs. It's time to get sober. I wish myself luck.
p.s. I'm really grateful for having amazing friends in my life who are never shy to tell me what they think about me and help me in ways that I would never expect. I am also really grateful that I have such an honest partner that helps me learn about myself better.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Another round of self-loathing cycle
I have just recently found a more-or-less correct metaphor for my depression a.k.a self-loathing cycle. It's like this: imagine you have lots of pipes in your mind. Each carries a different stream, some are happy stream of thoughts, other are poisonous negative ones. The thing about these pipes are I don't know where the valves or ends are. Sometimes the happy stream of thoughts will just burst on one end, and fill my head with amazing optimistic thoughts. Sometimes other pipes send different streams of thoughts and so on.
There's one pipe, special for self-loathing and low self-esteem that leaks. I think it started leaking when I moved to Jakarta. That place sort of corroded my brain for different reasons. Or maybe it had started to crack long time ago, but I just didn't realise it. Anyway, this particular pipe always leaks. So imagine my mind is like a big bucket. It can be filled with different things. Generally, what's inside the bucket is quite neutral, not amazingly happy but not amazingly sad. Now, this dumb leaking pipe will always let some of its content drip down into my mind bucket, sort of tarnishing it bits by bits. When I'm depressed, the stream of bad thoughts will surge into this one leaky pipe causing the content to fall into the mind bucket in larger quantity. And slowly but sure, my mind is corrupted by these bad thoughts. Sometimes the pipe will burst and I will get dragged down to my own bad thoughts and sometimes, it will take me weeks to recover.
So, basically I'm generally not a happy sort of person. I don't go out in the morning and think to myself how wonderful the world is, for instance. I get frustrated so easily. I get annoyed by people a lot. I'm generally the kind of person that you don't want to meet when you have low confidence in humanity because I will crush what's left of your hope. Although to be fair, I am not evil, as in Hitler-evil for instance. I don't abuse people because I think it's great fun. I abuse myself emotionally but by doing that I realise that I abuse other people who care and love me.
However, there have been times when the pipe where all good thoughts and rainbows and kittens and ponies and leprechauns and mermaids and dolphins swim burst on one end and I'd be ecstatic. My mind bucket would full of these wonderful things and I would be smiling a lot. I'd also be able to enjoy things better.
This is not unique at all and I think this is just how humans operate in general. Some people are happier and more relaxed than others; some are more mellow and anxious. I know that everything in my mind should be manageable although often it doesn't feel like that at all. Often I'd just prefer to curl myself into a tiny ball and cry myself to sleep. Sometimes it makes me feel better. Sometimes it eliminates all good things that I have in life.
I know that hating or blaming myself constantly will not actually solve anything. It's so cliche and easy to say, but in practice when you are drowning in your own hatred for yourself, cliche easy things aren't so cliche and easy anymore. Which is why, it is important to have an emergency drain on your mind bucket. And writing my problems down on something permanent (internet) is my emergency drain. Who knows? Maybe someone will stumble upon this post and think it's helpful so they feel better about themselves, or shit and yet they feel better about themselves. It's really about making choices.
There's one pipe, special for self-loathing and low self-esteem that leaks. I think it started leaking when I moved to Jakarta. That place sort of corroded my brain for different reasons. Or maybe it had started to crack long time ago, but I just didn't realise it. Anyway, this particular pipe always leaks. So imagine my mind is like a big bucket. It can be filled with different things. Generally, what's inside the bucket is quite neutral, not amazingly happy but not amazingly sad. Now, this dumb leaking pipe will always let some of its content drip down into my mind bucket, sort of tarnishing it bits by bits. When I'm depressed, the stream of bad thoughts will surge into this one leaky pipe causing the content to fall into the mind bucket in larger quantity. And slowly but sure, my mind is corrupted by these bad thoughts. Sometimes the pipe will burst and I will get dragged down to my own bad thoughts and sometimes, it will take me weeks to recover.
So, basically I'm generally not a happy sort of person. I don't go out in the morning and think to myself how wonderful the world is, for instance. I get frustrated so easily. I get annoyed by people a lot. I'm generally the kind of person that you don't want to meet when you have low confidence in humanity because I will crush what's left of your hope. Although to be fair, I am not evil, as in Hitler-evil for instance. I don't abuse people because I think it's great fun. I abuse myself emotionally but by doing that I realise that I abuse other people who care and love me.
However, there have been times when the pipe where all good thoughts and rainbows and kittens and ponies and leprechauns and mermaids and dolphins swim burst on one end and I'd be ecstatic. My mind bucket would full of these wonderful things and I would be smiling a lot. I'd also be able to enjoy things better.
This is not unique at all and I think this is just how humans operate in general. Some people are happier and more relaxed than others; some are more mellow and anxious. I know that everything in my mind should be manageable although often it doesn't feel like that at all. Often I'd just prefer to curl myself into a tiny ball and cry myself to sleep. Sometimes it makes me feel better. Sometimes it eliminates all good things that I have in life.
I know that hating or blaming myself constantly will not actually solve anything. It's so cliche and easy to say, but in practice when you are drowning in your own hatred for yourself, cliche easy things aren't so cliche and easy anymore. Which is why, it is important to have an emergency drain on your mind bucket. And writing my problems down on something permanent (internet) is my emergency drain. Who knows? Maybe someone will stumble upon this post and think it's helpful so they feel better about themselves, or shit and yet they feel better about themselves. It's really about making choices.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
About anger
Do you ever get angry with the universe and everything? Just plain illogical dumb anger. You can't really explain why you are angry, or you can try and end up sounding like a 5-yo whose ice cream fell to the floor. Just lots of undecipherable noises.
I'm feeling like that now. So angry with so many different things. People are on my top list. I am so angry with people here, and often I'd thought to myself where did we go wrong? Why do most people end up being really ignorant and just dumb?
I'm angry with the situation and condition here. I'm angry seeing stupidity is growing like a plague, eating any intelligence left, leaving people like zombies. They live because they need to consume. Watch Walking Dead for a reference. I think the general population now is no different to the walkers in the series: mindless and greedy (or maybe not greedy, just insatiable, because they are essentially brain dead).
Sometimes when I rant about these kinds of things, some people (i.e. friend) would remind me that I should not get all worked up for no reason and that I needed to learn to accept things better. I guess that's true on some levels. But how far do we need to tolerate things? When do we say enough is enough?
But I guess it's better to get angry than to feel defeated.
I'm feeling like that now. So angry with so many different things. People are on my top list. I am so angry with people here, and often I'd thought to myself where did we go wrong? Why do most people end up being really ignorant and just dumb?
I'm angry with the situation and condition here. I'm angry seeing stupidity is growing like a plague, eating any intelligence left, leaving people like zombies. They live because they need to consume. Watch Walking Dead for a reference. I think the general population now is no different to the walkers in the series: mindless and greedy (or maybe not greedy, just insatiable, because they are essentially brain dead).
Sometimes when I rant about these kinds of things, some people (i.e. friend) would remind me that I should not get all worked up for no reason and that I needed to learn to accept things better. I guess that's true on some levels. But how far do we need to tolerate things? When do we say enough is enough?
But I guess it's better to get angry than to feel defeated.
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