In the attempt of a badly needed self-reflection upon receiving an ultimatum for my bad behaviours, a good (and damn smart) friend reminded me about claiming responsibility towards one's happiness. This a thing that I often forget when I am in a relationship and it's a bit embarrassing that I needed an ultimatum first before I started to get my shit together.
It's so easy to fall into the trap of "dependency", or maybe it's just easy for me to fall into that pit. The conversation with said friend then went to the details of my failures so far, and grating as they might be to my ego, these were all true. I fail claiming responsibility for my own happiness by thinking I could now rely on this relationship. The trap is that I felt like it's due time for me to relax a bit; I didn't have to work so hard to stay strong and to continue fight for things that I wanted; I thought now that I had a partner, I could just lean onto him for a bit. Bad move. Because it has spoilt me, lulling me to think that I could ask for attention and care every time I need it. Because it has made me feel that I didn't have to try by myself to make me feel less lonely when I do feel lonely. Or sad.
Although it's a bit contradictory, like my friend said, to make ourselves happy and be independent when we have a partner in life, it is true. That's the right thing to do: maintaining independence and knowing how you can be happy with or without your partner. Relying your happiness on someone else, although this person really loves you, is never a good thing because it means your partner is going to be the centre of your life and it's going to cripple you when you don't have this person for whatever reasons in the future. And this is a thing that I should have realised sooner because I have had these problems in the past. And this is a thing that you would read in any "relationship for dummies" books or articles. Big d'oh for myself.
I also forgot one important thing. I decided I wanted to be with my boyfriend now because I think he's a great person and I admire his qualities and he makes me happy, not because I need him to make me happy. Silly me. Mental slap.
Next, self-pity and self-hate. I agree with my friend when she said it's just an easy thing to do. It is. And I think I have said similar things to other friends when they are wallowing in self-pity and self-hate. It IS easier to say things than do them, no? Changing or improving yourself for the better is the difficult thing to do because it needs a process. Self-pity and self-hate is like instant reactions for me. I don't even need to try. It's like drugs, addictive and harmful. And it will make your brain stop working properly.
I realise I have been unhappy for a long time for different reasons. I carry quite a lot of baggages that I'm slowly (painfully) managing. Forgiving and not forgetting (because I don't really forget), just stopping it from affecting me. This is also another thing that is definitely easier to say than do. But I think it's about damn time I stop feeling so resentful about myself and one thing to do is to claim responsibility. I need to be okay with myself although sometimes I just don't like me too much: embracing my own horrible side, which might be not so horrible after all when perceived with a new set of glasses. After all, no one is perfect. Everyone comes with their own wounds.
I don't really make resolutions and it's a bit too late to call it a New Year's resolution, but if I ever made one, all these things are on top of my list. It's time to quit the drugs. It's time to get sober. I wish myself luck.
p.s. I'm really grateful for having amazing friends in my life who are never shy to tell me what they think about me and help me in ways that I would never expect. I am also really grateful that I have such an honest partner that helps me learn about myself better.