What should you do to pull yourself back together? Imagine this, you imagined that you were going to spend a nice weekend, going out, have a nice meal, maybe do some shopping, and go back home with a full stomach and happy mind.
Then, something terrible occurred along the way, just when you were going to start the wonderful weekend. Everything changed in seconds and you don't have the power to control the situation, let along yourself. Next thing you know, everything has been ruined.
You were left alone, sobbing through tears and regretting the whole thing that had happened. Yet, there's nothing that you could do to mend the damage that you, yourself, had created.
You started to blame things on yourself. You locked yourself in your dark room. Couldn't find anything worth doing.
You tried to read, write, and watch DVD, for the sake of entertaining the self. But, nothing happened.
You still felt like shit. Like a piece of forgotten used paper. Unwanted, and ready to be thrown away.
You started to create episodes of drama in your head. Thinking what could have been worse than this, and basically starting to believing every thing inside your mind.
You couldn't control yourself, and you started to sob again... Like a born loser.
Finally, final option. You called friends that still wanted to hang out with you without any pretension, hoping that when you're them you're gonna be happy again.
You went to see them, had a good laugh. Then, you knew that it didn't work at all. You still felt like shit and eventually you went to your personal blog and wrote everything down.
Replace all of the yous into Is...
There you have it.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
Nighty night, Nightmares...
Boooyaaah....
It's been a month since the last post, I guess. Everything is just crazy now. I don't have time to relax and write.
Today is quite different though. I went to my other office and found the sky shone with its afternoon beauty. Quite rare in Jakarta. And I enjoyed it very well.
Anyways, I'm busting my ass every single day going to two offices; stuck with traffic jam every afternoon; come into the second office with the distinctive smell of exhaust smoke; going back home with paranoid thoughts (get robbed or anything much more horrible that that); land on my bed at half past eleven in the night and sometimes still have these freakin hellish dreams to flourish my sleep.
These nightmares made me got up with certain dissatisfaction. I wanted to sleep more. I wanted to close my eyes again and had those baby-like sleep.
But, I can't. My nightmares have been a constant friend these few weeks. It all started when I moved to a new house (more of a kost, than a house). I didn't like it too much at first but when I decided to rent the room, I thought that it was quite cheap considering the area, plus it has (also) quite a large room.
So, I moved. The first thing I noticed and instantly hate is there is no sense of time in the new place. I can't see the sun directly because the window that opens directly to open air is too far above my window.
Basically, I'm living in no-time area. Always in the dark, shone by artificial lights. Reminds me of Batman.
Maybe, just maybe, this strange atmosphere gives me the adult-horror-rate dreams in my sleep. Or maybe, a friend said to me, that I should consider praying (shalat) in the room more often... to make "things" go away. But when I told her that it's been too long since my last pray, she laughed and suggested that I should ask a local imam to come and perform an exorcism. That's funny.
I don't actually believe in ghost. Yes, I do believe in energies and that we are connected by it. I also do believe that there are certain entities (energy entities) which beyond my comprehension, but somewhat I'm interconnected with those entities since I have my own energy too. But ghost? The movie-kinda- ghost? Naaah... It's too good to be true.
Well, I don't know what creates these series of nightmares. Maybe because I'm way too tired, or perhaps it's the dingy atmosphere, or... there's evil's wrongdoings in my room. Who knows? And they still come. Not as often as before, but they're there.
Probably the best thing is to get sleeping pills, or better, give the sleeping pills to those things so they can get a nice deep sleep, forever and ever...
It's been a month since the last post, I guess. Everything is just crazy now. I don't have time to relax and write.
Today is quite different though. I went to my other office and found the sky shone with its afternoon beauty. Quite rare in Jakarta. And I enjoyed it very well.
Anyways, I'm busting my ass every single day going to two offices; stuck with traffic jam every afternoon; come into the second office with the distinctive smell of exhaust smoke; going back home with paranoid thoughts (get robbed or anything much more horrible that that); land on my bed at half past eleven in the night and sometimes still have these freakin hellish dreams to flourish my sleep.
These nightmares made me got up with certain dissatisfaction. I wanted to sleep more. I wanted to close my eyes again and had those baby-like sleep.
But, I can't. My nightmares have been a constant friend these few weeks. It all started when I moved to a new house (more of a kost, than a house). I didn't like it too much at first but when I decided to rent the room, I thought that it was quite cheap considering the area, plus it has (also) quite a large room.
So, I moved. The first thing I noticed and instantly hate is there is no sense of time in the new place. I can't see the sun directly because the window that opens directly to open air is too far above my window.
Basically, I'm living in no-time area. Always in the dark, shone by artificial lights. Reminds me of Batman.
Maybe, just maybe, this strange atmosphere gives me the adult-horror-rate dreams in my sleep. Or maybe, a friend said to me, that I should consider praying (shalat) in the room more often... to make "things" go away. But when I told her that it's been too long since my last pray, she laughed and suggested that I should ask a local imam to come and perform an exorcism. That's funny.
I don't actually believe in ghost. Yes, I do believe in energies and that we are connected by it. I also do believe that there are certain entities (energy entities) which beyond my comprehension, but somewhat I'm interconnected with those entities since I have my own energy too. But ghost? The movie-kinda- ghost? Naaah... It's too good to be true.
Well, I don't know what creates these series of nightmares. Maybe because I'm way too tired, or perhaps it's the dingy atmosphere, or... there's evil's wrongdoings in my room. Who knows? And they still come. Not as often as before, but they're there.
Probably the best thing is to get sleeping pills, or better, give the sleeping pills to those things so they can get a nice deep sleep, forever and ever...
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Is It a Sin to Have a Desk Job?
I just got a new job a few days ago when finally I signed the contract. It's another media but now it's on-line and I'm not working as a proofreader anymore. Instead, I'll be working as a translator. Of course, I told my current bosses that I will resign as soon as I start my first day on the new office. Out of my expectation, one of my bosses suggested that I should stay until the end of February. I was kinda hoping he would just approve and congratulate and say good bye-adios-have a nice life. No. He said that I should try working in two places since the working hour is different. The new job requires me to work from 9 a.m. till 6 p.m., and my present job starts from 6 p.m. until 10 p.m. I thought I had figured everything that I should say so I could go from that place. Apparently I didn't planned it well enough. I couldn't say anything when my boss suggested his personal opinion which actually based on a kind reason, so I could get a month-full salary. It bores me to think about my payment in this office since the HRD just loves to delay it. But, I got the impression from the boss that at least I should try it out and see how it turns out and probably don't say no before you actually try it. So, I said OK I would try. He even said that it will be OK if I come late. So nice of him... I'm going to bust my ass for ten whole days.
From that conversation, my other boss, the not-so-nice-one, asked about my new job. He immediately criticized my choice of job. He said that a person of my age should see the world, try become a reporter since I work in a [nother] media, instead of sitting behind a desk translating other people's writings. I said it's challenging because I have to learn how to translate other people's stupidity or excellence. He disagreed, of course. He thought translating is for people above 50 years, like the translator in my current office.
I felt guilty after that conversation with my boss. I felt that I made a mistake by choosing the new job.
The question now is "Is it really a mistake for choosing a desk job while you're still young and vigorous?" I don't have the passion to become a journalist. Yes, I know that it can be fun; it will take me everywhere, possibly abroad; it gives new information every day or minute, and so on and so forth. But, I prefer translating articles, novels, and other stuff rather than running around all day covering events dan news. Is it a stupid mistake to think that way?
Well, based on my boss' perception, I am making less use of my skill and youth. He thought that since I'm still young and working in a media, I should try a more challenging job, becoming a reporter.
I thought since I love translating, don't have any passion for becoming a journalist and enjoy my time in front of my computer, it is really not a bad call, right?
Anyway, the new office pays double... :D
From that conversation, my other boss, the not-so-nice-one, asked about my new job. He immediately criticized my choice of job. He said that a person of my age should see the world, try become a reporter since I work in a [nother] media, instead of sitting behind a desk translating other people's writings. I said it's challenging because I have to learn how to translate other people's stupidity or excellence. He disagreed, of course. He thought translating is for people above 50 years, like the translator in my current office.
I felt guilty after that conversation with my boss. I felt that I made a mistake by choosing the new job.
The question now is "Is it really a mistake for choosing a desk job while you're still young and vigorous?" I don't have the passion to become a journalist. Yes, I know that it can be fun; it will take me everywhere, possibly abroad; it gives new information every day or minute, and so on and so forth. But, I prefer translating articles, novels, and other stuff rather than running around all day covering events dan news. Is it a stupid mistake to think that way?
Well, based on my boss' perception, I am making less use of my skill and youth. He thought that since I'm still young and working in a media, I should try a more challenging job, becoming a reporter.
I thought since I love translating, don't have any passion for becoming a journalist and enjoy my time in front of my computer, it is really not a bad call, right?
Anyway, the new office pays double... :D
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