Santa's head

Do you know how Santa's head tastes?

It tastes like chocolate...well, milk chocolate in this case.

Merry Christmas! (still a week or more, but who gives a damn :p )

Multiply

A friend of mine just recently got her heart shrewd apart.
A friend of mine owns a multiply account.
This friend of mine uses her multiply to post writings and pictures about her latest incident.
This friend of mine has tons of interesting (sometimes sad) writings.

I was intrigued to give comments since we're used to comment each other's writing on facebook. I didn't have a multiply account...yet. So, this friend urged me to create one and voila! I have my own multiply. For the sake of posting my personal commentaries.... I have a serious bitching problem.

So, now I have an extra chore to feed my blogger and multiply account.

And I don't understand how multiply works.... *sigh*

Lalu Kelabu

Saya terbangun dini hari karena mimpi buruk yang membuat saya tidak bisa bernafas selama beberapa detik. Mimpinya apa saya sudah lupa lagi, ada orang-orang yang sibuk menarik-narik kedua lengan saya...kalau tidak salah. Intinya saya terbangun sambil berjuang memasukkan udara ke paru-paru lagi.

Panik, itu yang pertama saya rasakan tentu karena saya tidak bisa bernafas. Rasa kedua yang menyerang adalah takut. Entah kenapa saya ketakutan luar biasa. Mungkin karena tidak bisa bernafas dan berpikir mungkin saya akan mati kalau begitu terus selama beberapa menit. Masih nanar dan setengah tertidur, saya menyalakan telepon selular dan menelpon nomor pertama yang muncul di kepala, yang kebetulan adalah nomor seorang mantan pacar.

Saya menghabiskan sekitar 7 menit bicara tidak karuan, mencoba mengurangi kepanikan yang saya rasakan, dan akhirnya mencoba tidur lagi. Kemudian mimpi buruk sialan itu kembali lagi. Episode ke-2. Saya terbangun lagi dengan panik (lagi) dan kembali menekan nomor yang sama di panggilan terakhir telepon selular. Spent a good 9 minutes talking about shit.

Yang kemudian ada di pikiran saya pagi harinya ketika akhirnya saya sepenuhnya terjaga adalah setelah sekian lama (bulan), reflek saya masih juga terpaut pada orang yang sama. Saya pikir seharusnya hal-hal macam itu sudah selesai, ternyata belum. Insting saya mendorong saya untuk masih menelpon orang itu ketika saya merasa terancam. Menurut seorang teman, itu reflek yang buruk. Menurut saya, itu reflek buruk yang terasa normal.

Aduh.

Mungkin perjalanan 'move on move along' ini masih tidak bergerak sesuai harapan.

Luntur

Melihat orang mengeluh tentang betapa sulitnya hidup ini kadang mendatangkan beberapa perasaan. Pertama, saya cenderung jadi jatuh kasihan karena berpikir 'Oh, sedih sekali ya melihat orang ini meratap'. Kedua, saya akan berusaha membantu; menawarkan solusi, alternatif atau apa pun yang mungkin akan bisa meringankan sedikit muram durja si orang itu.

Tapi ketika si orang mengeluh karena hidupnya sengsara (padahal itu karena tindakan dia sendiri) dan diumumkan di ruang publik (sekalipun maya), itu membuat saya cenderung muak, mual dan kesal. Mungkin karena saya pikir orang ini terlalu sibuk mencari simpati ketimbang solusi. Mungkin juga karena saya pikir ketimbang mengumbar kesialan dalam hidupnya, lebih baik dia mencoba untuk positif. Toh, beberapa hari sebelumnya, orang ini tak merasa punya beban dengan terus-menerus keluar bersenang-senang dengan temannya...

Anyway, it shouldn't concern me much if the person has no significance in my life. Masalahnya adalah saya selalu percaya bahwa dia bisa jadi lebih baik dari dia sekarang.

Tampaknya kepercayaan saya mulai sedikit meluntur :(

Dick

There was desperation in my voice when I asked you to come. I had no one else to go. You were the most sensible choice and you knew.
Yet, as usual, you had reasons for not coming. You easily said keep my spirit up and some other cliche bullshit. And I answered as usual, I don't need bullshit I need company.
Yet, you were ignorant as you normally are...

Jesus fuckin Christ... I thought we're friends. I guess you always manage to find new ways to disappoint me in the most terrible times and make me cry out of exhaustion and anger.

Thanx a lot man, you've made my day... again.

Catatan 01

Membaca kepedihan seorang teman ternyata menorehkan sedikit kesakitan yang datang dari masa lalu. Terlalu banyak kemiripan antara satu manusia kurang ajar dengan manusia brengsek lainnya. Payah.

Memento mori...

Absentminded

Will you sell your soul to the devil for me?
Yes, I heard myself answering that question
without any hesitation, absentminded.

The thought of hope was shining bright
forgotten hidden corners of realities
covered traps to the bottomless pits.

Drama it was, as cliche as it could be
since I did sell myself to you
without any hesitation, absentminded.

To the bottomless pit the journey shall pass
answers lost in the never-ending why
and I'd find myself half-buried.

Feed upon emptiness
I bequeath the half-self
to the passing time.

Why I should be a pirate

If I were a pirate, I would have sailed the world. Seeing different sunset and sunrise every single day, breathing the sea water, the wet wood, the sea breeze that gently washed your face while you gazed far to the vast blue ocean...

If I were a pirate, I would have called my ship as home, and the whole world as my homeland.

If I were a pirate, I would have hijacked every whale hunter and transformed their ships into a marine lab, or something else (I wouldn't be a very creative pirate, I presume), kidnapped the people destroying the coral reef with their bombs and poison and forced them to work as the ship's crew for the rest of their life.

If I were a pirate, I would probably fight the Somalian pirates because they're bad for business...

If I were a pirate, I would have died in the sea, become nameless, forgotten, but one with the universe.

If I were a pirate, I would not have to work in a boring office, filled with assholes that loved to lick other assholes' asses just to make their day meaningful, freezing myself to death and not knowing what kind of life I would have if I had decided to work my way becoming a pirate...

Fifteen men on a dead man's chest
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.

Drink and the devil had done for the rest
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.

Oh, plus if I were a pirate, I would have rum for the rest of my life...har..har..har...

Jika terlalu lama...

Jika terlalu lama duduk di kursi, pantatmu akan pegal-pegal.
Jika terlalu lama menatap layar komputer, matamu akan berkunang-kunang.
Jika terlalu lama terkena AC kantor, malamnya kamu akan meriang.
Jika Facebook tak lagi membantu, kamu akan terjerembap ke dalam kebosanan.
Jika terlalu lama berkubang dalam bau busuk, kamu akan jadi kebusukan itu.
Jika terlalu lama bekerja di tempat yang kamu tidak kamu cintai, kamu akan sakit berkepanjangan--mental dan tubuh.
Akhirnya kamu akan kembali ke ketaksadaranmu yang menipu.

*Based on true accounts...

To Be Found

Sometimes words just escape
when you try hard,
longing for the scents
to be trapped in your senses.

Sometimes eyes stop gazing
when you try hiding,
feeling scared to be found
to be seen in need.

Sometimes hopes vanish
into thin air
without a warning
without a sound
without a tingling sensation in your guts.

And then you disappear...

Questions

Would you tell us stories
medleys of vain love sorrow light
wandering with words
discovering lies in bright?

Would you put up a fight
with high lords
questioning one's might
yet saying no words?

Would you share strength
amongst those oblivious
to be mindful at length
passing synchronic hopes?

Lost

Oh oh oh oh...

Listen to that sound!
Repeating itself.
Don't be afraid dear
it's just the shadow
trying to catch a glimpse of light
to feed
to breathe
to live.

Shut yourself
hide in the dark
shadows cannot see
when dark surrounds you.

"How can I go back
if there's no light to guide?"

Oh oh oh oh
you cannot go back
if you chose the darkness
you cannot go back to the light.
For you have become one
with the shadow you fear.

Hush hush hush
stop crying love
crying do no good
stop crying love
and go to sleep...

Gibberish

Die! Die! she said battering herself with pain that had been hidden in the deepest trench in her mind.

I wish it would just go and die!
Yet, it lingers on
like a stubborn leech
eating the soul and mind

I wish it would have killed itself
when God rested on the seventh day
so no pain shall be inflicted
in the flesh of an innocence mortal

I wish death were unjust
taking other's deeds and grudge
but who I am to summon
for I speak no words.

She hides in the darkest shadow, afraid of the past, burying herself in the present, clouding her future.

Nonsense

"Wait!" he said in an urgent tone
"Never," I answered coldly
"But..."
"No."
"But, I--"
"The star died and went to the earth."
"Lie!"
"The last light trailed in the vast universe."
"Stop!! You're hurting me!!"
"A meteor crashed and it made a big hole."
"But, you can't leave?!"
"Creatures emerged from the hole."
"Surely, you can't leave me!!"
"I'm one amongst those creatures."
"No! No! No!"
"Another star died and crashed."
"I can't live without you!!"
"And I crashed under it."
"..."
"..."

Posted in Facebook April 20

Pieces

Rays of light
glistening, shimmering
a thousand might
showering, reflecting.

Under the rain
I hear a whisper
"Run out of vain
away from the bitter.."

In light, I see
a patch of past
the moment to flee
yet, a die to cast.

I yield
to thee
shattered.

Posted in Facebook in April 18.

My first-and-hopefully-last food poisoning experience...REVEALED!!

It was on last Friday night; I got out from the office with a hungry stomach. The night was getting in fast and, frankly, my dear stomach didn't have many options left.

I landed on a cafe, a small and nice one close to my place. I had once eaten there, and the food wasn't bad, quite cheap too. So, I went in and ordered a fettuccine with salad. Oh, plus a strawberry juice.

When I was waiting, I realized that I didn't bring enough cash. So I politely asked the waiter whether they accepted plastic or not. And he said, "Sorry, no." Shit.

I went to the cashier, told them that I didn't have enough cash, and since they didn't have any machine for my card, I had to go for 5 minutes to the nearest ATM. They were a bit startled at first, but then when I told them that I'd leave my bag (with all my stuff in it) there, their face were smiling again.

Not wanting to let them think that I'm some crappy costumer, I ran to the ATM. Got the money, ran back, and found that my food was ready. Hooray! Dinner time.

I went home hurriedly because they put everything in Styrofoam dinner boxes. I didn't want to let my hot fettuccine breathed the Styrofoam.

5 minutes later, I got into my room. Immediately I put out the fettuccine and placed it on a plate. Yessss.... dinner's served.

Everything was finished in an hour, which was quite long to eat pasta and salad. Didn't finish the salad though, cause the sauce had strong strange taste, and a bit spicy too.

About 45 minutes after, I got nauseous and my room started to spin around me... Woohoo!! And I finally gave in to the feeling. I threw up like hell and all of my dinner went down under. Great. There's the fifty thousand I just spent, gushing down the toilet.

I knew it was food poisoning because after I threw up, I got major headache and a sharp pang in my stomach. Like the worst hangover ever. And my stomach was killing me too... Well, the food was killing my stomach.

Sweating, shivering, difficult to breathe, all alone in my room, 3 a.m., not a very good situation I may say.

Luckily, sister-24 hours is in the house! I called her, and told her what had happened. 20 minutes later she came and took me to the hospital.

After the medication, I was fine. Still a bit nauseous and feverish the next day, but then I'm OK.

Thank God my system reacted fast, so I didn't have to endure too much pain.

What caused the poisoning? Was it the fettuccine? The salad? The juice? Or was it because I made them a bit worried that I was a crappy costumer not bringing enough money to pay for my food??? Thus, they put secret ingredients to make me feel crappy??! Well... that's not true, I mean I don't know what happened. I know that it was so bad, I don't wanna do it again :)

Funny thing is, the body knows when bad things come inside, sadly...it doesn't apply to the feeling :p

Pulling things back together...

What should you do to pull yourself back together? Imagine this, you imagined that you were going to spend a nice weekend, going out, have a nice meal, maybe do some shopping, and go back home with a full stomach and happy mind.

Then, something terrible occurred along the way, just when you were going to start the wonderful weekend. Everything changed in seconds and you don't have the power to control the situation, let along yourself. Next thing you know, everything has been ruined.

You were left alone, sobbing through tears and regretting the whole thing that had happened. Yet, there's nothing that you could do to mend the damage that you, yourself, had created.

You started to blame things on yourself. You locked yourself in your dark room. Couldn't find anything worth doing.

You tried to read, write, and watch DVD, for the sake of entertaining the self. But, nothing happened.
You still felt like shit. Like a piece of forgotten used paper. Unwanted, and ready to be thrown away.

You started to create episodes of drama in your head. Thinking what could have been worse than this, and basically starting to believing every thing inside your mind.

You couldn't control yourself, and you started to sob again... Like a born loser.

Finally, final option. You called friends that still wanted to hang out with you without any pretension, hoping that when you're them you're gonna be happy again.

You went to see them, had a good laugh. Then, you knew that it didn't work at all. You still felt like shit and eventually you went to your personal blog and wrote everything down.

Replace all of the yous into Is...
There you have it.

Nighty night, Nightmares...

Boooyaaah....

It's been a month since the last post, I guess. Everything is just crazy now. I don't have time to relax and write.

Today is quite different though. I went to my other office and found the sky shone with its afternoon beauty. Quite rare in Jakarta. And I enjoyed it very well.

Anyways, I'm busting my ass every single day going to two offices; stuck with traffic jam every afternoon; come into the second office with the distinctive smell of exhaust smoke; going back home with paranoid thoughts (get robbed or anything much more horrible that that); land on my bed at half past eleven in the night and sometimes still have these freakin hellish dreams to flourish my sleep.
These nightmares made me got up with certain dissatisfaction. I wanted to sleep more. I wanted to close my eyes again and had those baby-like sleep.

But, I can't. My nightmares have been a constant friend these few weeks. It all started when I moved to a new house (more of a kost, than a house). I didn't like it too much at first but when I decided to rent the room, I thought that it was quite cheap considering the area, plus it has (also) quite a large room.

So, I moved. The first thing I noticed and instantly hate is there is no sense of time in the new place. I can't see the sun directly because the window that opens directly to open air is too far above my window.

Basically, I'm living in no-time area. Always in the dark, shone by artificial lights. Reminds me of Batman.

Maybe, just maybe, this strange atmosphere gives me the adult-horror-rate dreams in my sleep. Or maybe, a friend said to me, that I should consider praying (shalat) in the room more often... to make "things" go away. But when I told her that it's been too long since my last pray, she laughed and suggested that I should ask a local imam to come and perform an exorcism. That's funny.

I don't actually believe in ghost. Yes, I do believe in energies and that we are connected by it. I also do believe that there are certain entities (energy entities) which beyond my comprehension, but somewhat I'm interconnected with those entities since I have my own energy too. But ghost? The movie-kinda- ghost? Naaah... It's too good to be true.

Well, I don't know what creates these series of nightmares. Maybe because I'm way too tired, or perhaps it's the dingy atmosphere, or... there's evil's wrongdoings in my room. Who knows? And they still come. Not as often as before, but they're there.

Probably the best thing is to get sleeping pills, or better, give the sleeping pills to those things so they can get a nice deep sleep, forever and ever...

Is It a Sin to Have a Desk Job?

I just got a new job a few days ago when finally I signed the contract. It's another media but now it's on-line and I'm not working as a proofreader anymore. Instead, I'll be working as a translator. Of course, I told my current bosses that I will resign as soon as I start my first day on the new office. Out of my expectation, one of my bosses suggested that I should stay until the end of February. I was kinda hoping he would just approve and congratulate and say good bye-adios-have a nice life. No. He said that I should try working in two places since the working hour is different. The new job requires me to work from 9 a.m. till 6 p.m., and my present job starts from 6 p.m. until 10 p.m. I thought I had figured everything that I should say so I could go from that place. Apparently I didn't planned it well enough. I couldn't say anything when my boss suggested his personal opinion which actually based on a kind reason, so I could get a month-full salary. It bores me to think about my payment in this office since the HRD just loves to delay it. But, I got the impression from the boss that at least I should try it out and see how it turns out and probably don't say no before you actually try it. So, I said OK I would try. He even said that it will be OK if I come late. So nice of him... I'm going to bust my ass for ten whole days.
From that conversation, my other boss, the not-so-nice-one, asked about my new job. He immediately criticized my choice of job. He said that a person of my age should see the world, try become a reporter since I work in a [nother] media, instead of sitting behind a desk translating other people's writings. I said it's challenging because I have to learn how to translate other people's stupidity or excellence. He disagreed, of course. He thought translating is for people above 50 years, like the translator in my current office.
I felt guilty after that conversation with my boss. I felt that I made a mistake by choosing the new job.
The question now is "Is it really a mistake for choosing a desk job while you're still young and vigorous?" I don't have the passion to become a journalist. Yes, I know that it can be fun; it will take me everywhere, possibly abroad; it gives new information every day or minute, and so on and so forth. But, I prefer translating articles, novels, and other stuff rather than running around all day covering events dan news. Is it a stupid mistake to think that way?
Well, based on my boss' perception, I am making less use of my skill and youth. He thought that since I'm still young and working in a media, I should try a more challenging job, becoming a reporter.
I thought since I love translating, don't have any passion for becoming a journalist and enjoy my time in front of my computer, it is really not a bad call, right?
Anyway, the new office pays double... :D

Freezing Jakarta

I live in Jakarta now, after spending the last 23 years of my life in Bandung. I moved when I got the job in this national media. I used to hate this city a lot. It was because the classic issues; traffic jams, pollution, super-unbelievable heat, the fast atmosphere, all of the snobs that just love being Jakartans, etc. I still hate this city because of those reasons, but now it seems life here has become a bit bearable. Why? It's freezing nowadays here in this city. Dunno why, probably because of global warming too. The weather and temperature have gone insane. I used to complain to myself how much I hated waking up with sweats everywhere, but now I can sleep with a blanket on. Mind you, I don't have air conditioner. Still can't afford one, not with my current salary.
Today's temperature was caused by last night rain. Last night the rain poured down hard. I just got back from my boyfriend's house when it started to rain. I thought it was going to be a hard-come-fast-go kinda rain. Apparently, the dear rain stayed all night. When I woke up this morning, I heard the drops on the roof, so I decided to sleep again. No sweat, no heat whatsoever. It was magnificent.
I just do hope there won't be any flood. Well, it's kinda hard not to have flood in this city. But if the house where I stay is flooded, all the houses around my house will completely drown since my house sits on a higher level. So, hopefully, no flood.
I can't say that I grow a certain likeness of this city, but the weather and temperature now really make me feel better.

The Things You Do to Escape

The things I do to escape:

1. Making lots of apologies and rationalization on my wrong-doings and irrational behaviors.
2. Start blaming other people for every s*** in my life.
3. Thinking that the person who hurts me the most is not really that great, therefore I will think that this person doesn't hurt me that much.
4. Pursuing every enjoyable moment in every scene, if possible.
5. Start seeing my old friends and have the "Geez...it's been a while. How's YOUR life?" kinda hoping they will also feel bad about their life...
6. . . . .


Fill in the blanks by yourself. I love to know how you escape your mess ;)

Direct Hit

I just posted my last note about past things in a shoe box, etc...etc... And I also replied to a friend's comment: I agree that past things soothe me in certain ways.
And then, five minutes later, I was still thinking about the earlier notes and all of the sudden, I saw my ex's face on my friend's screen. BAM!! Talking about the past, eh? The BAM!! part came since I realized that I didn't want to see that familiar face ever in my life again. Neither his face nor the memories of him soothe me. I know few years back that he lived in Jakarta, but I didn't expect him to have any encounter with my future [now present] co-workers.

Maybe this is what you get when you feel abandoned by one thing in your past, the other things [those you least expected] hurriedly run after you.

Life...

Cuci Gudang

Have you ever opened your closet and thought that there are too many unused things in it and then realized that your closet is filled with old things? I have the habit to clean my closet once in every two or three years. It sounds such a long time for someone's cleaning time, yes? Well, I rarely shop, so I don't have many new items in my closet. But the problem is now I have too many old stuffs in it. Letters from junior high friends, birthday cards from several years back, tons of photos [I don't have any digital camera back then], t-shirt from the renaissance period [which surprisingly still fits on me], scraps from the past that I feel still have some emotional attachments to me thus making it difficult to get rid all of it. I'm not a person who cannot swift from the past to the present being. I just love keeping some mementos. I remember I'd to take some time remembering the moment beneath an empty pack of cigarette before finally I got rid of it. Yes, it's hard to be a part with something [one] that has been there for as long as you can remember, especially if it's an ordinary stuff with an extraordinary meaning...that's what I feel.
The funny thing about that habit is that I experienced it not so long ago. Funny since my experience has put me in the old 'stuff' position. I was the old cigarette pack laying inside a shoe box waiting to be banished from history. Maybe it is only my personal prejudice towards this experience being banished from someone[thing]'s story. Maybe the banishment is not related to the fact that I'm just an old piece of something inside the shoe box waiting to be replaced by something[one] new in it. Yet I felt I was already thrown away to the dust bin and now ready to be forgotten soon enough. Sad thing is I don't know the reason. Maybe I should feel guilty because I cannot find a possible reason. Maybe I am guilty for some things that I had done in the past.
So now I am being banished from someone's story. Is that related to the fact that I'm just an old fragment? I have no idea. Or maybe it's just the end of me in this story? Should I question it? Will it make me feel better if I know the true reason?

One thing for sure though, it hurts.

Job Desperation

Currently, I'm working in a national-scale newspaper as a proofreader with four hours shift, five days a week. My salary is rather small for a monthly-paid job, but ok for the short shift. The first day I came, I was so nervous. I'd never worked at a national media before, yet along an English newspaper. So, the new kid on the block [as they called me that day] tried to adjust as fast as she could in the big (and freezing) office.
Turned out, the job and the people were excellent! I loved doing my job, I liked hanging-out with my office mates in the smoking area (yes, I do enjoy smoking), I enjoyed the ambiance, and I had zero complaint which was an achievement for me.
But then, a problem rose on the second month. They didn't pay my salary. They postponed my first month salary until the third week of my second month. And it didn't stop. The did it gain on the third month. So basically I have been living two months with a month payment which is ridiculous since I have a meager number for my monthly salary.
This well-established-company cannot afford paying its employees right on time. And what did I get from a discussion with the HRD? A simple sorry and a false promise. Oh, not to mention the way they degraded all of the proofreaders by saying that they were generous enough to have paid us the meager number. And that's not all, folks! It was hard for me to sit still listening to what the HRD manager had to say because he wasn't aware that everything that he said only degraded us even more.
So, I'm thinking about quitting this job. I've been trying to find a new one, but sadly haven't succeeded in doing so.
Hopefully, I'll find a new one as soon as possible.
I feel soooo tired now.

Blog Desperation

I made this blog on June 13, 2008, because my boyfriend had insisted me for making one. When it comes to technology and its allies, I freak out easily. So, the prospect of making a blog of my own and actually try to do something with it, gave the queasy feeling in my guts. I knew that so many people had already ran their own blogs, published great articles or essay or poems, and [probably] got famous for it at that time. Well, I didn't join the club. Why? First, my laziness beats everything. Second, I have mentioned my uneasiness with technology [that includes internet and blog]. Third, see reason numero uno. So, blogging? No, thanx.
But then, this boyfriend of mine were convinced that I should have a blog so I would have a place for my writings. He didn't read all of my writings [if he did, probably he would advice me to put everything inside a drawer, lock it, and throw the key away] but yet, he was determined to helping me creating a safe haven for my writings where everyone can access, read it, and give feedback [great!]. So, I made one.
Then, what? Well, I have to do something with it, right? But I didn't do anything with it until this very day I decided to write something in it. Why [again a why]? It was because I read an advertisement on my e-mail that said I must have a blog in order to acquire a certain job in a certain company [and because my blog tutor was a bit disappointed since I haven't tried to post anything for the past seven months]. I do have one, but I haven't done anything with it except posted one short ugly work for the first try-out and that's all. Does it count? Can I fill in the requirement?
I will never know. I didn't apply. I felt that if I applied I would be cheating on myself. Because if I did apply, I would have been very busy posting every single piece that I have stored in a night [which would be very ridiculous for the company since the post dates will be published]. I didn't regret it even though the position is interesting and I'm in a desperate need of a new job. But hey, at least I can be honest with myself. I'm not a blogger...well, probably not yet, so help me God. And maybe now I will try to nurture my blog more often...

Or not.

I'll just have to see for myself.